ATLien. Droppin nolege from tha south fo' ya'll. It may be weird, but it's all true.

Thursday, February 02, 2006


Oh, I could drink wine for weeks. For months. It is awesome. I think it should replace water. I'm going to talk to GOD about that. Lets stop calling it wine and start calling it Jesus Blood. Lets worship it. Lets observe it as a holiday...

I have drank 2 bottles...with others...tonight.

Monday, January 30, 2006

I hate you

I had a cell phone. She was my first. She was a bitch. I hated her for many reasons. Tonight my fiancee and I tried to kill her but were unsuccessful. We ran over her many times, but she remains resilient. I remember wanting to kill her by vehicle in 2000, but I was distracted. Tonight, I tried with the Infiniti. The Sprint was more durable. The battle is not over. This only strengthens my resolve...

I think she's crazeeee

So it turns out that my dog has occasional shakes. Not sure why, but last time we took him to the vet they ran some tests that gave him a spastic colon. I am trying to convince the fiance that it shouldn't be any concern until he starts shiting blood or biting himself.

I am really worried about this weather. What the hell is wrong when we are 65 degrees in Atlanta as an average in January. I think it is Al Queda.

Someone keeps googleing "wet and trying to undress" under google photos and keeps coming to my site. What the hell? Where in this blog do I say that?

My finace's mom boiled ribs for about one hour yesterday and then broiled for 5 minutes. The ribs were falling off the bone, but the texture was too much like brisket for me. I like ripping the meat off the bone. Something about the primitive behavior appeals to me.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

blue grass

Aw, I didn't want to write but such a unique sales trip. I hit up Kentucky. Second time in three weeks, though Paducah is practically irrelevant. The times have been successful in terms of sales calls. The usual. Sure. Yeah. Well actually...yeah. Thanks a lot. Good doing business. I decided that in order to have clarity I should consume less bourbon, and drink more wine. I'm out here on the road and realize that I can go eat at a pretty nice restaurant for my just rewards. I went to this down to earth wine bar in Louisville called the L&N Wine Bar & Bistro. Awesome. They have 50 some odd wines on tap that they keep fresh with pressurized nitrogen. I had this French pinot there that smelled earthy like rotten sweat sox and fermented blackberries and peppers. The wine was from Texier wines. I highly recommend it. I had crab and corn chowder and a spinach salad with walnuts, blue cheese, pears, and a perfect balsamic vinaigrette. Well that night was the second night in a row that I got a free glass of wine.

The weather man on Accu Weather Channel 40 here in Bowling Green, Ky just gave the forecast with his border collie.


The night before, Tuesday, this bartender chick at Red Lobster starts being all sweetie to me. If she were 20lbs. lighter, she would have Ben absolutely smoking. She had obviously put on some college elbows getting stoned and eating pizza. So I get an entree and two glasses of wine and these fucking hillbilly families (well, maybe it was one family but this seventy year old told me that every one of them were his kids... and two of them were kissing and the ages ranged from probably 4 to 45 and they were there for his birthday) were crawling on my goddamn table. Unreal. Waitress said "come back and see me" as she handed my the bill sans second glass of wine. Oh yeah. The chubby waitress was totally in love. Sweet free glass of wine. Hey, I just realized: Monday night I got a free glass too. The place was called Chop House in Lexington Ky. Good food I guess. Second time I've eaten there. They've got a good selection of Bourbons, but as I've worked from Wednesday's dinner back to Monday's dinner, you've probably realized that I was feeling wine. They had some shitty cheap wines and told me each of my selections were "good choice." I made small talk. So small it was lost in my second glass of wine. I learned it was this waitresses first night training at being a bartender. She brings my bill and "oh, ma'am? uh, I believe you forgot to include some of the alcohol I ordered." Bullshit. Even if it is an accident, you get something that is volunteered and you take it. Just tip a little more. At the very least, you are making sure that they keep doing what they're doing. Free glass.

Tonight? Oh, I went to this place in bowling green and within 1 minute of asking to sample 2 of their wines, I was sampling 4. It was awesome. This girl Lorraine that worked there and used to work for some wine dude in N'Awlins. She said he was brilliant when it came to wines and he would send bottles illegally (you can't ship some wines to certain states) to people he knows. I'm going to hit him up if I see something he has that I like and cannot find. Anyway. I probably got two free glasses there because of all the samples I had.

I don't know what to tell you folks. It has been a wonderful trip when it comes to food and drink.


Friday, December 09, 2005


Amazing what abstaining from alcohol does. It has been my second week of weekdays without alcohol. It has done absolute wonders for my mind, body, soul, wallet, and tollerance. I have had 1.5 drinks tonight and have a solid buzz rocking. Awesome. I was having a drink regularly for about 10 years every day. Some days it was wine but on most it was a jack on the rocks. Tonight I am on 1.5 jack and ice and hace a substantial buzz. I must remember this next time I go on a bender. Abstinence is alcohol's kryptonite.

Friday, December 02, 2005


Want to know what heaven is? Sleeping in when it is cold as hell outside. Nothing better than waking up, sticking your foor outside of the covers to test the air, realizing you couldn't possibly expose your whole body to such torture, and then pulling said leg back in and turning over for another hour until the room warms up. This morning, I was in hell. I'm still cold.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Herschel Posted by Picasa

Bad Dawg

Herschel, my beloved dog is ill. Well, he may be ill. He has some liver trouble and the anxiety is killing the fiance. We'll see how things work out.

I took a strange white anxiety pill someone gave me tonight. The plan was to cook up some broccoli, black eyed peas, and pork chops (typical dinner my moms would cook growing up). Then poppin my pill and watching two of my favorite shows, House and Boston Legal. Now they got Barbara Walters on the fucking TV. I hate that bitch. She should play some Golden Girl in a made for TV movie about the Golden Girls and then have a flashback to getting eaten by a pack of rabid raccoons.

I also have diarrhea. I don't know why. I'm abstaining from alcohol all together for a week. I am about 3 days in. Usually I have a Jack Daniels or two on the rocks when I come home from work while I'm cooking dinner. About an hour after every meal the past two days I have the runs. They aren't explosive or long. In fact, they are short and effective. My stomach hurts like hell leading up to my meditation, but the relief is wonderful. I wonder if being on the wagon and rhea are linked. I will be drinking on Saturday when UGA plays LSU in the SEC Championship.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

A Tee El

I'm just going to write. Hanging with h.s friends is as good as it gets. You sucka emcees have no clue how it is to have friends from 13 years ago and have 10 of them who you stay int ouch with daily.

Two weeks ago I had a co-worker offer me a 30 lb. pork shoulder for free because some truck driver had given 3 of them to him because they would have spoiled on the ride back to NY. We decided we were going to smoke it at the UGA/GT game which is on tonight at 8:00 on ABC. I am bringing a handle of Jack and 30 lbs. of pork. That is a recipe for very good times.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Dee See

I'm in a mansion. My best friend lives in a mansion in Hanson Park (Maryland???) or some shit. Nutz. I haven't seen him in a year and we almost battled grizzleys and 12 point bucks tonight. Let the times commence for tomrrow. I become THA GODFATHER. I will be responsible for the spiritual upbringing of this human. Crazy. Lets all toast my Godchild: Kayla Fae Spence.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

God, could you make a few more days in the year?

Maybe add another day of the week. Call it, Bonusday or Timesday. I would do all the shit on that day that I couldn't otherwise do. Work shit. Make that day only 4 hours of work and a required 20 hours of sleeping or watching TV or masturbating. I am out of town every other week. I have all these work ideas for lowering my blood pressure, but there is no time. I cherish my time when I just come home from work and do nothing in particular. What would I have to do to add these days to the calendar. Sincere ideas are appreciated.

Sunday, November 06, 2005


I have an aversion to anything to do with teeth. Lets just not talk about them. Well, my company has no dental insurance so I didn't go for 2 years. I compensated by flossing and brushing daily at least. I went two weeks ago and the result was what you should read in the post two previous to this one. I now have some pretty consistent pain the top right of my mouth. I is my wisdom tooth. I can feel it. I hate it. I do not have the $ to have that shit pulled. Please send me money.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Shitty BBQ

I am a BBQ fanatic. I can make some dope ribs. Everyone knows this. A connoisseur? Maybe. A critic? Sure. Fat Matt's Rib Shack in Atlanta is absolute trash. I have had their pulled pork sandwiches plenty. My fiance loves their sandwiches so she insisted on some BBQ for dinner. I had heard they have good ribs so I asked her to get me some tonight. I was disgusted. They were spare ribs, which suck anyway. My beef was that they were horrible. I will never eat their food again. The sides were mayonnaise and mayonnaise mixed with either potatoes or cabbage. I wanted to send it back, but since it was take out, I had few options. The shit tasted like rotten camel's milk. Never go there. Please. If you like BBQ and are in Atlanta, GO TO Daddy D's on Memorial Drive. It is as good as BBQ gets. Fat Matt's is the McDonald's of BBQ. It is terrible. Have I mentioned it tasted like human feces? Cuz it does.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005


You ever had gum disease?
You see, I floss daily. I brush twice a day. I have proper fronts. They are a little crooked, but that is not the problem. The problem started about 18 years ago when I tagged along with my brother and mother to the orthodontist. He wanted to get a look at my grill and my mother made me oblige. He reached in my mouth, felt a tooth that had just become loose (my fang tooth), and he straight up ripped it out. I have been traumatized about teeth ever since. When I changed jobs, my new one did not offer dental insurance. They claimed that no other manufacturer offered dental. I went 2 years without a cleaning until last week. They checked me out and I had no cavities. I did have gum disease. Apparently there is some mineral shit and bacteria that gets caught between your teeth and your gums. I flossed this out when it was between teeth, but not on the outside and inside of the molars. Only a dentist visit fixes this shit. It affects some more than others. So I go in today for my first gum/tartar cleaning of three. Holy shit! The dental hygenist put some fucking force into the scraping. It was like trying to scrape the ridges off of a sidewalk with a shovel. There was blood everywhere. They put some topical numbing shit on my grill, but I still taste blood 9 hours later. I go back on Monday at 8:15. I can't wait. Better than having my shit ripped out again.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

It's been a long time, I shouldnt've left you...

without a dope post to step to...
FUCK. I have been uber-spammed by all my fans. Thats sweet. What if I write " cameron diaz naked "

I mean, shit! I've been travelling. Here goes a catharsis on my life since my last post. I have seen Big Papi win a game against Toronto single handedly in Fenway. I caused fights at Altell stadium during the Worlds Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. I have been to my first Monday Night football game at the Ga. Dome. I have been to the greatest beer festival of all time. I have placed a grocery cart on a friend's bed. I have done many things and been many places. It's time to start back. I will post almost daily now. If not, please let me know. I want to expound on some crazy good times, but none seem to strike my fancy. Life is hectic. This month in particular. Last weekend was spent in Jacksonville for the UGA/UF game whiche was a huge disappointment. I ended my last night in a chair hinched over passed out. What do you expect when our chances at a national championship for UGA comes to a screeching halt. This upcomming weekend I will probably go to the Pink Pony or Masters Lounge for some good times with some friends and some boobs. I finally went to the dentist after two years and found out that brushing and flossing every day doesn't mean shit. You have to get yo' shit cleaned. I have learned that having a wedding in Atlanta is fucking expensive. I have realized that I must have TIVO to be able to watch Lost, Grey's Anatomy, Boston Legal, House, Rome, Douche, Bitches, Hoes, and Sluts. I will have better posts that wil provoke replys from you all. Hopefully my picture of my friend of Andy nekid will get the ball rolling. Let me know your thoughts...
Oh, why does Ty Willingham go 7-0 in his first year as head coach of Notre Dame go unrewarded and yet Charlie Weis goes 5-2 and get a 10 year contract (he's Jewish at a Catholic school)? Ponder that...

Friday, September 23, 2005

WE WANT...anyone???

My cousin joined the ARMY. Enlisted. He is a sweet kid. Not the most ambitious or well spoken individual. He's 23 years old and informed his father,my godfather, recently that he had joined the ARMY. When I told my fiance, she cried. She thinks its suicide. Why would you join the ARMY? Well, he had tried going to culinary school and upon graduation realized it wasn't his thing. I guess he wanted to be a part of something. All politics aside, I think it is a brave thing for him to do. Politics considered, it is desperation. My immediate (large) family had a going away Jack Daniels festival for him tonight. That was pretty cool. Every one of my family members except my eighty-something year old grandmother was drinking Jack on the rocks as they always do. I got to talk with said cousin for the first time in years and am at peace with him being confident in his decision. He is going to be a truck driver. I don't know how to feel. I can only support his decision...right? I hugged him for the first time ever and told him to be safe and not be afraid to run if he is scared. God speed. I hope to see you soon cuz.

Monday, September 19, 2005

I drank too much.

BIG day of football on Sunday. My brother was giving me a ride so I wasn't worried about getting a good buzz on. Falcons played at 4. I decided to get away from the Miller Lite and go for some Sweetwater 420. I slugged back 4 pints by the end of the first quarter. Throw in 2 shots of Jack Daniels. You can see where this is going. I remember all of the first half of the Falcons game, though that is the half I would rather forget as the Seahawks quickly got out to a 21-0 lead by halftime. The Jack Daniels girls came by and really liked me...i promise. We all took more shots of Jack together. They gave us a bunch of t-shirts and other promotional bullshit I have no use for. Then I woke up this morning. I had showered the night before and apparently helped make the bed as the linens magically moved from the dyer to the mattress. I showered and left for work. My fiance has been in a good mood when we have talked. I may have gotten away with one this time. Falcons lost 21-18.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Pay the fucking bill!!!

I have some really slothy friends as you may know. It took 2 hours to decide where to eat. We settled on Nava in Buckhead. Food was great. Service was terrible. Splitting a bill when you have 5 people can be a fucking headache...especially if they are uber-slothy. For what it's worth, Nava gives you a complimentarry margarita upon sitting down. That almost made up for our server, Tiffany, being as retarded as any server i've ever dealt with.
Football is here and it makes it all bearable.

Friday, August 26, 2005

All time worst ideas

Spamming a blog has to be up there. Then again, maybe they are serious.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Infinite hyperbole and translucent tangents

I kept you all waiting. Too long. Engagement as well as smoking fo'ties has made me unable to post. I have put 10,000 miles in the I30 in 3 months. I have climbed the highest mountains. Scaled the biggest walls. Feigned miming and punched my miming competitors. I am not sure what is news. I saw my amnesiac mother's brother's last night. That was real genuine family times as I had not seen my cousins in 20 years. We laughed, cried, and reminisced. I hung out with my sister (best female friend) tonight. We go years without speaking, but she is real as well. Friends like her disappear for months and years, but when you speak to them, you wonder where they have been and it is like they never left your circle.

Wedding planning is awkward. I am agnostic. Maybe more Jewish than anything. I believe the 10 commandments are golden, but don't believe the whole Jesus thing. Nor do I believe in the trinity, as my psudo sister's finceur pointed out. I need a Rabbi to marry a gentile and a Jew (she's Jewish), but they are hard to come by.

It's good to be back and it is 2:56 AM in Newark, New Jersey.

Saturday, July 30, 2005


I got engaged Thursday night.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

10 RBIS in 30 AT BATS!!!

His name is Jeff Francoeur.

Friday, July 22, 2005

In light of the Bad News Bears release...

I still don't know if I'll wait until I randomly see it on HBO in a year and a half, or if i'll purchase a viewing of it 'On Demand' in 9 months. Anyway: these folks do make a good argument.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

My flows

My rhyming skills produce mad winds.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Souf Cackalacki

Dat's where i am.

Back-2-back: The Jones brothers. Damn. How sweet it is to have them on our team together.
Leadoff: R. Furcal. His OBP% is climbing rapidly
2nd: Giles: Leads the team in Ba Avg.
3rd: Chipper. He has an MVP without a lot of dust on his mantle.
4th: Andrew Jones. Come on. Call a spade a spade. He is one of the top three outfielders in the history of the game. I will say this: he will ALWAYS be a .275 hitter with 30+ dingers, 100+ rbis, and 100+ strikeouts. That said, he will save you about one run every two or three games. Gold gloves.
5th: Adam LaRoche/Julio Franco: Any AL team would love to have Julio as a designated hitter. But Jesus! The Yankees start Reuben Sierra in right field. Reuben started 2 years after Julio and never was as good. LaRoche is a blooming power hitter. He will never hit over .300, but I mean, look at Dale Murphey's averages. Combined, these guy's numbers are top 10 in the major leagues for first basemen.

From there comes the rest of the role players. It is hard to discount all-star catcher Johnie Estrada. None are as big a fan as this blogger, but lets see some more of that flava. All of our bullpen is very suspect. Our closer blows saves, middle relief is as inconsistent as can be, and our starting awesome...
We have a sweet starting pitching staff. Smoltz, Hudson, Ramirez, Hampton, and Colon/Sosa/Davies (demoted). We are set. At the time of this posting, the Braves were one game back. We will win the division. I will post of our awesomeness then, and not later.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Andy Milonakis stole my idea

It is called my childhood. I hate him. I actually did that shit when I was his age. I don't get it. We even recorded it. I actually have the recordings. We once invited some "friends" who were buying "things" and we beat them up. It started off as a joke. Unfortunately a few of us started really punching these underclassmen for the sake of comedy. We did it all. I do not want to incriminate myself further.

The worst was probably giving my friend's unstable mother some magical brownies.

That was interesting.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005


I have an honest to god question that I want you to answer. Does anyone really get DRUNK off wine? I drank 3/4 or more of a bottle of a good red wine (Michele Chiarlo Barbera D'Asti, 2001) tonight. Just doesn't do a goddamn thing in terms of a buzz for me. The only time I can get a good buzz is about 3 bottles of a good Rosenblum zin or pinot. What the fuck? I gotta spend more cash on a handle of liquor to get a better taste but 1/100 the buzz?

I made my lady and myself a sweet supper tonight. I've developed this ILL broiled salmon recipe. I don't know the exact measurements, but the sauce/marinade is as thick as molasses. Start with about half a cup to three-quarters a cup of brown sugar (trust me). Add about a tablespoon of the tube ginger (fresher and in the produce section) or powdered ginger (haven't used fresh in about 15 tries). Add about 2 tablespoons of soy sauce. Add about half a teaspoon of black pepper as well as salt (preferably kosher). And lastly, add about 2 tablespoons of olive oil. Mix into a syrup. Set aside about 3-4 tablespoons of the sauce for later (the reserve). Get a baking dish. Pour half of the sauce (NOT THE RESERVED SAUCE)into the baking dish. Place about a pound to a pound and a half or more of salmon (preferably wild) into the marinade. Let sit on each side for about 15 minutes. Set your oven to broil and set the top rack to the top level. Place the salmon on the broiling tray on top of some Pam or some other non-stick spray on the tray. Once the oven is hot enough, insert the broiling tray with the fish on it SKIN SIDE UP. Cook it for 5-6 minutes (you want the skin to blacken, not burn. Remove from oven. Flip the fish. Take the dish and scoop the remainder of the marinade (not the reserved) on top of the fish. Put it back in the oven for another minute to minute and a half. Remove. Let cool for a minute. Spoon the reserved, uncontaminated sauce on top of the cooked fish. Not too much. Make it look clean. Serve. Unreal. I served with boiled corn (in LOTS of salt, some pepper, and milk) and steamed spinach (no salt added). Great aphrodisiac. Let me know.


Don't know about where you live, but here in Atlanta EVERYONE talks on their cell phones while they are driving. I once counted 12 consecutive cars that I passed going the opposite way after a red light changed where every person was on their cell phone. I hate it. Idiots making U turns on their cells, running red lights on their cells, tailgating on their cells. I'm sick of it. I support any law that requires a hands free device for cell phone use while driving. I remember hearing about one study that showed that driving wile on your cell phone was more dangerous than driving after either 3 or 4 beers. Now this study comes out.

Monday, July 11, 2005

ass Rover

Karl Rove is an evil, manipulating, spiteful, war monger. I hope he burns in hell, limbs ripped off slowly. Everyone who knew anything about this story knows that he or someone in his office leaked the information. I'm just surprised that a judge actually put a person in jail for not revealing sources. What's that? What about the freedom of the press? He manipulated the freedom of the press to hurt someone who was a critic. What reporter that Rove told about an ambassador's wife being a covert CIA agent wouldn't report it? None. He is a total douche. Kick him out just because he is an asshole. Not to mention unethical.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Great Wall of HOLY SHIT!

Unbelieveble. Danny Way jumped across the Great Wall of China. He went 50 mph down the ramp. I wonder what would happen if I tried...

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Violence begets violence

So it's the crusades all over again. Lets kill the muslims because a couple of wackos did some fucked up shit. Retards. THEY'RE NOT MUSLIMS. THEY ARE WACKOS. Don't get it twisted. Some weirdos did this, not some religion.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005


A true ATLien. The next big thing.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Charles town

A Friend of AL DOGG'S is a friend of mine.


Someone found my blog by searching for "Venus Williams Sucks." Gotta love that.

When will the Jared Subway commercials end. Dude, you are a poster boy for everything I don't want to be. You are pasty, dorky, eat Subway for fun, and you don't exactly look "fit." Hey Jared, why don't you go suck down a fat protein shake.

The car is running well. For now.

I spent July 4th at Lake Lanier nursing the half-dollar sized strawberry on my knee. Fears of infection as well as the throbbing pain on my injury made that little bit of torture the primary attention for me...until the hit and run boating accident.
I had drank 72 beers and half a liter of Jack Daniels. I had gotten lost on this rather large lake while riding a sea doo. I almost killed a child by tailgating him while he was tubing behind his father's boat (his pops would have socked me in the mouth if he could have. All went well though. I didn't lose my wallet, ray bans, cell phone, keys, or stomach contents. We had rented a pontoon boat and gone to a little island late in the night to shoot off some mortars 300 feet into the evening sky. It was awesome. Three of us had brought some fireworks. We danced in the sparkling cones, burned ourselves, drank, cursed, and just burned lots of shit until about 2 in the morning. Let me tell you, I was not sober. We headed back to the camping site. All was well. We had a stone cold sober driver as well as at least 3 relatively to completely sober passengers (there were a total of 10 of us). Stereolab was playing on the cd player and the vibe was fucking sweet. A mellow ride cruising at about 10 mph. What could be better. Seriously. I'll tell you. How about getting blindsided by a speedboat going, oh i'll guess, 25 mph? Slammed into us at a ferocious angle. "HEY, WHAT THE FUCK!!!" my buddy Marc who I had been conversing with screamed instinctively. The dude idled and said something like "Sorry, I didn't see you." He had one other passenger (a chick) in the boat. "Go" she said. They were clearly intoxicated. "TURN OFF YOUR ENGINE" our captain yelled. Over and over again. Then as quickly as it happened, the dude opened up his engine and took off...
Assess the injuries. Everyone is fine. Reality kicks in. What the fuck just happened. What do we do? Did he really take off? Bewildered, we go back to camp and realize that the boat only had structural damage. Some sheet metal problems. He hit us less that a foot from our engine as well as the gas tank. We didn't take on any water. Thank God for that. It could have been much worse.

We called the DNR (Department of Natural Resources) the next morning. They, along with the rental company, called all the fiberglass repair shops around the lake, dealerships, and anyone else they think could help catch this asshole. They took some samples of the asshole's boat that were embedded into our boat. They were going to check every part of the island and they seemed to feel rather comfortable that they were going to catch this douche. We didn't get rental insurance, but if they catch Mr. Douche, he will pay for everything as well as be charged with a felony. The rental place gave us a gift certificate for 4 free hours ($250) and said he was sorry this happened to us. He got some estimates. The repairs are going to be anywhere from $750 to $1200. I'll pay that much myself to get in such an accident and not have anyone get hurt. What a fucking memory.

Friday, July 01, 2005


Friday 9:30AM- John, we have a problem. The other part we got has valves that don't fit on your air conditioner. We'll have to get the correct part from the dealer. That will be $200 more.

I'm going to stop asking "what's next?"

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Complete waste of my life.

Here's the timeline:

Monday 7:30AM-Take my car to the place that put on the belts a couple of weeks ago. They determine I need a clutch compressor and that it will cost $650.

Monday 9:30AM-Take my car to my family mechanic who is usually reasonable and honest. I tell him what I need done. He says it will cost $590. He says it will be ready Tuesday near noon.

Tuesday 1:00PM-I get a call from my mechanic saying they received the wrong part. The replacement won't be in until Thursday. He has Friday off and will then be off until the 10th. I cannot wait until the 10th.

Tuesday 2PM-I take my car to another mechanic that I use. They are a mile from my work. They say they will have the part Thursday and it should be ready Thursday afternoon. $620. They then tell me that they could have the entire compressor on Wednesday and it could be ready Wednesday afternoon. It is an extra $250. The issue is that they could replace the compressor clutch and the compressor itself may be damaged and have to be replaced in 2 months. I decide to get the entire compressor and be done with it.

Wednesday 2:00PM-I call. They say it should be ready around 5:00PM. They tell me to call back at 4:30 to check.

Wednesday 4:30-I call. AGAIN...A-FUCKIN-GAIN, they regret to inform me that they got the wrong part. Apparently, auto manufacturers for Mazda/Infiniti use one of a few different types of parts on their cars. My car won't be ready until Friday. They are pissed because they can't move my car because it will fall apart since the old compressor is out and the belts are off. I am pissed because I have been forced to, once again, eat a huge piece of crap like it was corn. I'm sure something else will go wrong. Until then, I should have my car back Friday.

How fucked up is that?

If you know me...

you know my "luck" with cars. i am on my 8th car...i think.
really. no racing, no laziness, no road rage,
i just have the worst luck of anyone you know. i did get in one big alcohol and drug ridden accident, but the only injuries were to myself and my astrocan (bitch). the i30 was purchased and inspected. the problem is that the maintenance on the car was not up-to-date. i had some belts replaced. a couple of weeks after the belt was replaced, i started noticing some car sounds tha were unnatural. turns out that when the belts were replaced (and after the lemon laws had expired) the true tension in the parts began to develop. on my trip back from louisville, the a/c quit. i got it good. i made a deal in conjunction with air time. the compressor clutch is shot. i could get that replaced. the problem is that the clutch usually comes as a part of the actual compressor. the total comes to $900.00. i am absolutely miserable and this shit happens that i couldn't have done anything about. more fucked up accidents by random express.


...did i mention they are huge?

did anyone else see how big the penis that dr. gammons was sucking for the bravos tonight? at this pace we will have "the team to beat" for the next "5.5 years". just wait until hudson, thompson, and hampton join davies and sosa. colon is $ in the pen. already got front rows with pops and bro for the nationals in july.

chipper is out too.

home plate bitch.

suck my cox



Sunday, June 26, 2005

Chronicles of Narnia

I've got to re-read the book. The movie will be awesome.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

SUCK IT FOREVER AL DOGG!!! Posted by Hello

Thursday, June 23, 2005


What's the harm?

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

I love the south

I think the thing that I love the most is the courtesy. Everyone is polite. Really. Strangers. Truck drivers. Douchebags. Even the douchebags are nice and say shit like "thank you" and "'preciate it." Fuck them. I'm an asshole.

But it's weird,
My friends know me as an easy going individual who gets along with most everyone. Why do I find it hard to believe that others reciprocate? Not that I have a lot in common with the hillbillies otherwise, but that's not necessarily a good thing. It's all about the simple life vs. the hectic shit. Pick your poison. The answer is somewhere in between. I find myself shamefully looking down on the poorer populations I encounter. Harsh. I drive by them in their rotten trailer homes. I donate in different ways to charities and what-not, but these folks are just totally comfortable in hard ass times. They are somewhere in between help from the outside and interacting in a progressive situation.

Around here there are VERY few people other than whites. I even hate to notice the difference (that there is something missing?), but I do. There are soooo many poor (white) people around here. The minorities I do see seem few. I don't know what to make of it. People call Atlanta the "Motown" of the south. I guess I have taken that for granted.

It's weird here. Of course I have only been here probably 8 days of my life. Maybe it is unfair. I haven't seen an Asian in days. I see maybe 15 black people all day. Women are overweight, have too much makeup on, or both. Lots of trucks. Lots. No Infiniti I-30s.

But it is comfortable.

I cherish Atlanta.

Urban lingo

The definition of clocked (open in Internet Explorer)

Monday, June 20, 2005

Mountain folk

The deep, stereotyped, underbelly of white Amerikkka. Not Mississippi. Not Alabama. Not Georgia. Kentucky. Eastern Kentucky. Miles and miles of poor white people living in trailers that are falling apart. Dilapidated buildings and shirtless obese people. It was weird and I didn't expect it. Irony? Lots of W. stickers.
I got off of I-75 in Corbin and then north on 25 to London, Ky. My destination today was Hazard but I hoped to make it to Pikeville. Nothing worked. I ended up in a series of coal towns an hour and a half from the nearest interstate. The folks were real friendly and all. They were waving from their tractors as I passed them in opposing traffic. A couple of folks got pissed off and started yelling at me for tailgating. I tell you what, if someone's tailgating me and I can speed up to get out of that situation, I will. I don't mean to be confrontational with the hillbillys, but do me a favor and step aside. Anyway, the I30 is performing soundly. I get anxious because I hear all these sounds that are different from my pimpfire (nevermind, apparently it sold), but it is wonderful and comfortable. Wound up in Lexington and had a pulled pork slop sandwich (bbq'd by the batch and not by the sandwich). It was mediocre. I prefer the custom bbq'd sammy. Had a couple of drinks and headed here.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

My Old Kentucky Home

So my next adventure takes me to Kentucky tomorrow. It's tough. I got a big drive ahead of me and my "new" used car makes some hissing sound when i hit about 6,000 rpms when I floor it. Could be interesting. To chart where i'm going: my plan tomorrow is to go from Atlanta to Pikeville and shack up there. If I have time, I go to Lexington. Lexington is weird. It can't decide if it's a a college town or a "Savannah" town (like a sattelite to a bigger city, Louisville). I have good times there. I've gotten in a habit of eating BBQ when I travel in the south.

I watch TV. I have some friends that don't even have a television. They don't make me feel guilty or lazy on purpose. By the virtue that they are being productive while I sit on my ass is plenty. My favorite television shows that are fictional (don't get me started in non fiction...there are too many):
1) House
2) Deadwood
3) Sopranos
4) Grey's Anatomy
4) Boston Legal

Anyone a fan? Boston Legal had the lead for a while, but it was usurped by Grey's Anatomy when that show took B.L. place. B.L. will be back in winter of '05.

My favorite non fiction:
1) Falcons
3) Braves
4) Bourbon

Wednesday, June 15, 2005


I too hate Barry Bonds

Monday, June 13, 2005


Yup, I went to the exclusive inner city concert called Music Midtown in the ATL. Well I can only say that there were only three acts that I wanted to see. They were Common, Slick Rick & Doug E. Fresh, and Public Enemy. I was not disappointed. We talked to my friend Dan K. from Winder Georgia before the concert. He was abrupt, strong, and pungent. He made me feel better about our Saturday expedition. You see, none of my good friends in ATL really listen to hip hop. Sure, they know T.I., Ludacris, Outkast, and so on, but no one, not even my brother, had heard of Common (Sense). They have no idea what they missed. I had my own personal Dan K. at the show as well as a flask of J.D. I needed no one else. In fact, if anyone else had been with me, it would have ruined the times. Common played my 2 favorite tracks by him first (Resurrection and I Used to Love Her). What came next was completely unexpected. Kanye West came out. The name is Kanye but most of his plastic still reads Kane. He was on for an hour with Common. At some point I blacked out. Parts of Tom Petty were mixed in with some John Fogerty. I ended up leaving the show with no reason whatsoever except I thought everyone had left me (even though every stage was still going on). I walked around for an hour and ended up having some donuts with some cops at Krispy Kreme on Ponce de Leon (soomeone back me have to be there to know how good they are when pulled off the conveyor belt). I ended up at my house after going to my buddy's for some Freschetta and Nathan's hot dogs with sweet pickle relish. They dropped me off at home before they went to Waffle House. They have the appetites of savages whe drinking.

Woke up...pretty good. Walked the dog with my lady and she made me a sammich. I was ready to go again. This was the day I was waiting for.
There were 2 acts I wanted to see on this day. The first was really 2 acts. You'd really probably have to know the history, but I was dying to see Slick Rick and Doug E. Fresh on stage together. They did it all. I won't go throught it...
The Show
Childrens Story
The Ruler's Back
Mona Lisa
La Di Da Di
It was off the hook. My friends that came to this show thought I was honest to god crazy. Rick was dressed in full regalia. As Doug said, he "invented bling bling before bling bling was called bling bling."
It's true.

Public Enemy...
I saw them in 1993 with my brother. I cried at that time. I almost did this time. As soon as they came out...
There Chuck and Flava were on stage with the ATLanta skyline in the background. It was like they were 21 again. EVERYONE in the crowd was losing their shit. Terminator X was not there. He had moved on. Professor Griff? In effect. The S1W's? Of course. They were marching across stage with Samurai Swords ready to hack people's heads off. This was it. This was Public Enemy. This was the group that influenced me more that any other group since or before. This was worth my $75 alone.
Public Enemy, IN FULL EFFECT.

 Posted by Hello

Footnote: There is nothing on the web about what happened to Terminator X. Everytime they started hyping up the new DJ, I threw my arms up in an "X". When the line in "Bring tha Noize" came up: "ever for ever/universally it will sell/time for me to exit/Terminator X it...TURN IT UP..."
They all put their arms up in an "X".
Someone find out for me.

Josh Gilbert had a blunt there...

Friday, June 10, 2005


My old Sinfire is for sale again.

Thursday, June 09, 2005


...and so it begins.


Isn't it awkward that there are so many American teenagers fighing in these awkward wars who just want to be at home and working 9-5 mon. through fri.? They did volunteer. The media has turned thoughts such as those into marketing ideas, but that statement resonates. Poor kids.

Stupid Hippies

Ok, not stupid. Blind loyalty.
Tha concert is called Bonnaroo
I'd see De La, Jurassic 5, and Ozomatli, but for christ sake, please at the very least drive the speed limit. In my way from Nashville to Chattanooga I drove opposite the parking lot that is I-24 west. Hippies out of their cars on the interstate smoking doobies and partying like it's 1969. Come on. I would probably do the same for some hip hop fest if it was Public Enemy, Biz Markie, Doug E. Fresh, Slick Rick and Common (107.9 stage), but please drive at least 65. I don't want to kill anyone, but if you are going 35 mph on the interstate...I will kill you. Not on purpose, but as a karmic lesson. TRAFFIC TO THE RIGHT EXCEPT TO PASS. That includes people on mushrooms, LSD, and weed. Get the fuck off the interstate if you can't comprehend the rules of the road...unless you are in one of these VW busses.

Anyway, I would not want to be camping out for Bonnaroo this weekend. Have fun in the rain. Thats just me. I'm sure you'll have fun in the village sleeping in mud and LSD. I'll be seeing Public Enemy and sleeping in my bed at home with my woman and dog. I'll save my camping for July 4th when me and 7 others rent a pontoon boat and spend the weekend at Lake Lanier drinking and not sleeping in the mud. Take a shower...and spot me some nuggs.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Survival of the Fittest

What is the most ridiculous and unreasonable reason to be pulled over? Driving too slow? Going 5 mph over? How about your music being too loud? It happened to me. Today.
When I was at Georgia Southern there was a rumor that there was a noise enforcement law. At the time, myself and every one of my friends had magnificent woofers in our vehicles. This law was hilarious. It was NEVER enforced. I knew some people who knew some people who were pulled over for listening to their music too loud, but I also heard that Mikey from the Life commercials died when his stomach exploded from eating Pop Rocks and chugging Coca Cola. Anyone know what Nashville is known as???



So I pull out of the parking lot, take a left, and another immediate left onto Broadway

I pull behind a cop and wait for the "left turn" arrow to go left again. I was playing some Mobb Deep
You get a prize if you guess what song.
The cop takes the left and pulls into a parking spot. I move by him, the lights come on, and he jumps behind me. Fuck.
I had had 2 beers and one cocktail. For all I know that was over the limit...but this was Tennessee after all. I give him my i.d. and insurance and this redneck tells me that he couldn't hear his radio because my music was too loud. I have some nice subs, but I turned them way down behind the good ol' boys. My fear wanes and he simply comes back and gives me a noise violation. $68. I wonder if he'll write a ticket for the Kenny Chestnutz concert. Fucking rookie pussy fart. Like you don't blast LeAnn Rhymes in your F-150.

I did see some bad ass kids jamming on a ukalaylie, banjo, and fiddle (top of post). Closed my eyes and thought that kid was Doc Watson. Downtown Nashville is actually pretty exciting. Don't mind the rootersPosted by Hello

Monday, June 06, 2005

I can't even think of a title for this


On the Road Again

This time it's the Music City (Nashville) and Bowling Green Kentucky. Last time in Bowling Green I was excited because I really enjoy visiting college towns. Always sexy co-eds and some unique watering holes. I had heard of Bowling Green University after their very successful past 2 years in football. Turns out Bowling Green University is in Bowling Green Ohio. Fuck the gods. Are there really two places on earth named Bowling Green. Pisser. There could only be two. Right? Shit on my shoes no. 9.
Why does this piss me off?

Because I was ignorant about the magnificent role that Bowling played in human history.

Billie Jean

Michael Jackson isn't the only one that can do the moonwalk

Sunday, June 05, 2005

It's I love cheese.

So tasty, but, there couldn't be more diarrhea health nastiness on your plate. Balls.
ATLanta is warm.
The humidity is apparent but soo smooth when the sun blows some crispiness towards you.
ATLanta is love.
So fucking sweet to walk around a place you could seep into and be a friend in. Love
ATLanta and come to.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Venus Williams sucks

She is ugly, tacky, and WANTS to look retarded.

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

I eat people

Why are we so infatuated with eating humans. The trilogy of Hannibal Lecter make me ponder this. Why do these weirdos want to eat people. It kinda makes me wonder: how do people taste? I bet they taste like eggnog. Bitter, sweet, and intoxicating. I hope they're not too salty.

Sunday, May 29, 2005


I am real. I am an architectural aluminum fabrication sales person. I travel the united states speaking with architects, glass shops, and curtainwall erectors. Half of my time is spent "on the road." I sling heavy metal to the likes of the New England states, NYC, Northern Jersey, Wisconsin, Illinois, Indiana, Kentucky, Tennessee, North Georgia, and South Carolina. Last week my travels took me to the parking lot known as Chicago. Fucking unreal. Retarded Midwestern drivers. First off, they have 28 interstates in the city. They change numbers and names without warning. One second your are on 290 west cruising along at -17 mph, the next thing I know, without so much as changing from a lane, I am going 3 mph on 90 east...oh, did I Mention there is a toll booth? Now 16 lanes become 43 lanes at the tool, then 43 lanes are merging back down to 2 stinking lanes. Traffic becomes a toilet flush as the lane lines disappear and courtesy vanishes from the windy city.
My travels also brought me to Wrigley Stadium...not Wrigley Field. See, ever since Harry Carey (most famous as the announcer for the Cubs and for singing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" slurruing drunk) finally died of drinking his own fermented vomit for a buzz, there have been guest appearances of certain noteworthys that come to sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" at the seventh inning stretch. Folks like Will Ferrell, Digger Phelps, Robin Williams, and others that probably didn't really appear, but we will assume they did for the continuance of my blogging. On this particular night the guest was Jeff Gordon, NASCAR's signature tool bag:

Hi, I'm an asshole

What was he thinking? The fans wanted to puree his organs and make rainbow smoothies. Incidentally the Cubs came back in the bottom of the eighth and scored 4 runs to win 4-2...i think.
P.S. Chicago: Your stupid ass "loop" on the subway downtown is retarded. On the blue line coming towards the loop it says that I can get off at Washington for the red line to take me to Belmont near the stadium. The attendant there tells me to take the brown line: "it's the same." If it's the same, then why not tell me where the red line is you dumbass. Well, I can't find the red line so I get on brown. Seems to work fine getting there. On the brown coming back, the board in the car says nothing about catching the blue at Washington, just the purple or some shit. I ride around the "loop" like a lost child until I come to a "blue transfer". Truns out the blue only comes every 45 minutes or so on this particular day. My bladder is seeping and my Depends undergarments were at capacity. I leave the subway to find a restaurant to pee in, but no such place exists. I find myself peeing in a dark alley in downtown chicago. I realize how proud I am of myself. My ipod battery dies as I run back into the subway (best $2 pee imaginable by the way) and I see the train pulling up. I get on and watch the retarded mid westerners blither and blabber the 40 minute ride to my rental car.
What a mess.

Monday, May 23, 2005

Tears of laughter

10 minutes long. Watch the whole thing.


Tuesday, May 17, 2005


Sudden Nipple Erection

Monday, May 16, 2005

I'm only 28

Not much to make a nickname out of yet. Infiniti I30. Sounds too straight forward. Why not the:
Ininiti M-16 or,
Infiniti B-1 Bomber or,
Infiniti Phaeton Carrera Expedition. I just want a car with a name that sounds like artillery.

There is a man at my work who had a worst case, non-adulterous, divorce about 6 months ago. He has a bleeding ulcer, is overweight, smokes, and is otherwise having a real hard time with life. It will kill him or make him stronger.

Friday, May 13, 2005


Buying a car is not fun. Don't believe that hype. I got my car new as a gift in 1998. Base everything. Power nothing. I saw it roll to 98,000 miles today. So last week I was at this place called Gwinnett Suzuki. I mean, I should know better than to go to a Suzuki dealership for a used car. Who is going to trade their car in for a Suzuki? Why? Turns out they buy a lot of those cars at auctions. The salesman had a Mercedes Benz medallion, only 9 fingers, referred to me as "my bruthaa." Hey, fuck you buddy. When my friends say that shit, I want to punch them. Don't act like we're pals. Tell me about the car and lay out your initial offer.

I took out an Audi A6 for the night to test it out. It is a pretty sweet ride, but not quite as reliable as I want. I dreaded going back to this place. I saw Bernard and he yawned twice as he walked towards me. I wanted to take out the Lexus ES300 again so we hopped in. What a goddamn MORAN! He called the Lexus an Acura the whole time, yawned a dozen times, and I saw him with his eyes closed. Fuck you Bernard and fuck your Suzukis. I hope they roll over on you. The reason I need a new car is the pimpfire needs to move on. Her A/C is gone and the heat of the Atlanta summers are too much for ole' nolege. I completely sweated through my shirt this week when I was calling on customers.

So, I think I'm going to go with an Acura 3.2TL or Infinity I30. I've never had power locks much less leather seats so this will be nice. May whoever inherits the pimpfire be endowed with the luck that she has granted me.
Here are the names of all the cars I have owned:

Bitch-1988 White Chevy Astrovan
Rocket-1988 Silver Subaru XT
Doo Doo Brown-1985 Brown Subaru Justy
Silver Bullet-1988 Grey Chrysler LeBaron Convertabile
Oatmeal-1981 Cream Pontiac Station Wagon
The Bull-1990 Silver Ford Taurus
Pimpfire- 1998 Pontiac Sunfire

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Beer festivals

So, there is another beer festival this weekend. We are volunteering for this one so we get in for free and get to stay late. Could there be a better hook up? East Atlanta Brew Fest. The times will be good. The pics will be plenty.

Put ya' middle finger up in tha' air.

Thanks to Jonas for this find
Fuck You

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Jesus Christ

Tuesday, May 10, 2005


So my redneck arab buddy sent out an email last week talking about this chick at his office and how she has a "GREAT" ass but a butter face. He asks us if he should tag it. We all heckle him to take an image on his camera phone. He does, but it's kind of blurry. He then tells us that she'll be at this beer festival the following weekend and that we will see her then. Well, we run into him at MARTA and he claims to have "made babies" with her. She shows up later and looked like the dude from "Mask." In hind sight, you only live once. Not spectacular, but why email 20 of your friends??? She's not the greatest, but the story makes for a good ribbing. He knows he had it coming to him. Sorry to publish this to the world Senor Salami. Posted by Hello

Good ol' boys

Never meanin' no harm.

Famous blogs in history

D.C. 2 ATL...the bird is back

Alex And Salt wrote:
I was stuck behind an H2 today going 5 miles below the speed limit in the left lane of a 2 lane interstate. Of course the chodebox was on the phone. You'd think the morons would get a clue when they get smoked by a 25 year old volvo with someone flipping them the bird, but he just kept cruising in the fast lane.

Tell me about it. I throw the bird every 5 minutes in Alpharetta.

Monday, May 09, 2005

spank me

Bourbons I like

Woodford Reserve
Rowan's Creek
Basil Hayden
Wild Turkey Rare Breed
Makers Gold
Knob Creek
Jack Daniels Single Barrell

What am I missing (exclued Jack reg., and DEF. Jim Beam)



Sometimes I want to kill people from Cobb county. I hate to stereotype people, but the stereotypes are establised because these people still think they are following the rules of wagons and carriages. I want to drive a snow plow that will knock them off the roads with their empty Hummers and cell phones on each ear. Fuck you if that is you reading this. I am the asshole tailgating you, passing, then cutting you off when my patience has run out. WHO THE FUCK DOESN'T KNOW THAT SLOWER TRAFFIC KEEPS RIGHT? I seriously would kill these people if I could get away with it.

I love cigarettes. Smoking is soooooo bad though.

Lick my balls

I just wrote the funniest post ever, and then erased it. I laughed out loud. Your loss.


Friday, May 06, 2005

My lunch

I ate total diarrhea and it tasted great. A cajun place called Gumbeauxs. I had fried gator bites, crawfish tails, and blackened grouper in some phenomenal creamy sauce. My burps now smell like farts. It is very interesting.


This is fresh off da streetz bootlegged bitatch!

Guaranteed to work!

My best pick up lines:

Hey, lets go back to my place...

I have a sweet outhouse.

This will not become more lewd...

Presidential Bush
from the same site, the mighty have fallen:

Awesomest thing ever!

Three lil' indians!

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Slamming Bull Cock

My girlfriend is a lawyer. She slams bull cock.

501 Blues

I wish all commercials could be this entertaining.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Bomb ass shit

Goddamn good hip hop is still alive!

Where the hell do we find this stuff.

Suport Jesus Bush


I am:

Take me to your leader

Is this a blantant copy of Napoleon Dynamite?

Sunday, May 01, 2005


I can't wait.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

And lo a child was born...

and his name will be called, corn.