ATLien. Droppin nolege from tha south fo' ya'll. It may be weird, but it's all true.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005


Someone found my blog by searching for "Venus Williams Sucks." Gotta love that.

When will the Jared Subway commercials end. Dude, you are a poster boy for everything I don't want to be. You are pasty, dorky, eat Subway for fun, and you don't exactly look "fit." Hey Jared, why don't you go suck down a fat protein shake.

The car is running well. For now.

I spent July 4th at Lake Lanier nursing the half-dollar sized strawberry on my knee. Fears of infection as well as the throbbing pain on my injury made that little bit of torture the primary attention for me...until the hit and run boating accident.
I had drank 72 beers and half a liter of Jack Daniels. I had gotten lost on this rather large lake while riding a sea doo. I almost killed a child by tailgating him while he was tubing behind his father's boat (his pops would have socked me in the mouth if he could have. All went well though. I didn't lose my wallet, ray bans, cell phone, keys, or stomach contents. We had rented a pontoon boat and gone to a little island late in the night to shoot off some mortars 300 feet into the evening sky. It was awesome. Three of us had brought some fireworks. We danced in the sparkling cones, burned ourselves, drank, cursed, and just burned lots of shit until about 2 in the morning. Let me tell you, I was not sober. We headed back to the camping site. All was well. We had a stone cold sober driver as well as at least 3 relatively to completely sober passengers (there were a total of 10 of us). Stereolab was playing on the cd player and the vibe was fucking sweet. A mellow ride cruising at about 10 mph. What could be better. Seriously. I'll tell you. How about getting blindsided by a speedboat going, oh i'll guess, 25 mph? Slammed into us at a ferocious angle. "HEY, WHAT THE FUCK!!!" my buddy Marc who I had been conversing with screamed instinctively. The dude idled and said something like "Sorry, I didn't see you." He had one other passenger (a chick) in the boat. "Go" she said. They were clearly intoxicated. "TURN OFF YOUR ENGINE" our captain yelled. Over and over again. Then as quickly as it happened, the dude opened up his engine and took off...
Assess the injuries. Everyone is fine. Reality kicks in. What the fuck just happened. What do we do? Did he really take off? Bewildered, we go back to camp and realize that the boat only had structural damage. Some sheet metal problems. He hit us less that a foot from our engine as well as the gas tank. We didn't take on any water. Thank God for that. It could have been much worse.

We called the DNR (Department of Natural Resources) the next morning. They, along with the rental company, called all the fiberglass repair shops around the lake, dealerships, and anyone else they think could help catch this asshole. They took some samples of the asshole's boat that were embedded into our boat. They were going to check every part of the island and they seemed to feel rather comfortable that they were going to catch this douche. We didn't get rental insurance, but if they catch Mr. Douche, he will pay for everything as well as be charged with a felony. The rental place gave us a gift certificate for 4 free hours ($250) and said he was sorry this happened to us. He got some estimates. The repairs are going to be anywhere from $750 to $1200. I'll pay that much myself to get in such an accident and not have anyone get hurt. What a fucking memory.


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